Sheer Sense of Duty
Outwardly, you're a devout Christian. You pray daily, put others before yourself, and live an overall virtuous life. There's just one problem...
You hate doing it all.
Instead of doing these things with great love, as Jesus and all of his saints seemed to do so well, you live your Christian lifestyle out of a sheer sense of duty. You know it's the right thing to do, and so you do it. Inwardly, however, living this life feels like one big chore. Surely, this isn't the life that God is calling you to live! Where's the joy?!? You just feel empty.
I've recently been reading through St. Francis de Sales' An Introduction to the Devout Life, and something he writes addresses this issue, although not at first glance. He writes on the importance of being purified from the affection to sin, and he points to the Israelites' Exodus out of Egypt into the Promised Land to illustrate his point. He writes:
"All the children of Israel actually departed from Egypt, but they did not all depart heartily, wherefore in the desert some of them regretted the flesh, the melons, the leeks, and onions of Egypt...And so some penitents, though they forsake sin outwardly, do not forsake the love of sin; that is to say, they resolve to sin no more, but it is with reluctance that they abstain from the fatal delights of sin, their hearts renounce it, and seek to depart, but they frequently look longingly behind them, as did Lot's wife."
Although the Israelites left Egypt physically, many of them still resided there spiritually. They knew in their minds that leaving was ultimately in their best interest, but their hearts longed for the safe comforts that Egypt provided them. And hence, they were torn between two worlds. They were living the lives they should be living out of duty, all while their hearts longed for the comforts of their old lives.
The solution? Go all in. Jesus himself says that "No one can serve two masters. He will either hate one and love the other, or be devoted to one and despise the other. You cannot serve God and mammon" (Matthew 6:24). When I enter into the life of Christ, I must put on his armor entirely. If I keep one foot planted in my old ways of living and the other foot in the Christian lifestyle, I'm asking for misery. And, as Jesus says, I cannot remain this way forever; I will grow to despise one or the other and eventually choose a side (and if you don't desire Jesus, guess what side you'll end up choosing?).
So the questions I must ask myself are the following...
- In what areas of my life am I still clinging to old ways?
- Do I really believe these things will bring me a spirit of joy?
- What does it look like for me to "go all in" and live the life that Jesus truly desires me to live?
Finally, if I find during prayer that I really have no desire to live the life that God has planned for me, that is okay! Discovering the issue is the first step to solving it. Simply pray for God to grant you this desire. St. Francis de Sales has been an excellent intercessor for me in this regard. Perhaps he will be for you as well.