Dying to Yourself

It's been a while. I suppose being a new teacher, at a new school, teaching a subject you've never taught before will do that to you. But anyway, we're back. And this one may be a bit raw (but will hopefully have something you can take away).

I've been furious as of late; At whom or what, I don't know. I have about 50 things on my to-do list, fifteen people I need to connect with, and only 24 hours a day to accomplish it all. I'm stressed, tired, and the worst part of it all is that I don't really understand why I'm doing it or what the end goal of it all is. Just your typical guy in his mid 20s, I guess.

In the past couple days, I've had another obligation crop up, one that is going to take a lot of my emotional and physical energy. Without going into too much detail, I can see a lot of good coming out of this.

And yet, the whole situation pisses me off to no end.

It's just one more thing to do! Every ounce of my being is SCREAMING to just abandon the whole thing, to focus on the fifty other priorities I already have and abandon YET ANOTHER responsibility. I'm tired of the lack of sleep, I'm tired of the daily grind, and I'm tired of constantly working with no end goal in sight. So why don't I just ignore this recent obligation? There's one reason, and one reason alone:

I don't think the Holy Spirit wants me to.

And so I talk with God, angry as can be. I borderline scream at him when I'm alone in the car. Four-letter words race through my mind as I wonder what the heck the point of this all is, and where I should place my priorities. I find myself praying that something major happens in my life that will give me an excuse to leave everything else behind. Massive tornado that destroys all my belongings? Someone steals my car? My entire bank account gets wiped? At least that'll give me some direction!

But this is what it means to die to oneself, isn't it? Look at Jesus on the cross. He was in a beautiful garden, with blood dripping down His face, PRAYING that His Heavenly Father would find another away to accomplish His mission. Jesus really did not want to die such a horrific death on that cross. And yet He did, because that's where the Spirit was leading Him.

Yes, I'm frustrated. Disappointed. Livid. Scared. Isolated. Overwhelmed. And so freaking tired. But for some reason that I, in my current weakness, cannot even begin to understand, God wants me to pursue this opportunity. And even though every ounce of my humanity wants to turn around and run the other direction, that's not where the Spirit is leading me.

And so I continue to die to myself. Just like Jesus' death, it feels excruciating. Agonizing. I can't claim that I understand the immense pain that Jesus went through, but I'm pretty confident that I'm at least getting a small taste of it. I find myself praying the words of Peter, after he had heard the scandalous teaching of the Eucharist: "Master, to whom shall we go? You have the words of eternal life."

It still hurts, but I trust that there's purpose to all this, even if I don't understand it all. At the end of the day, I cling to Him. What else can I do? The world certainly has no good answer.

Jesus, in the end, I trust in you. You are all I need.

Some energy drinks wouldn't hurt though.