A Product of the Confessional
It's that time again...I haven't been to confession in a hot minute, and I really have no desire to go. As I sit in prayer and think about what I ought to say to the priest, I realize that my list of sins has basically not changed for years; it's the same ole' crap, time and time again. This raises an interesting question in my mind...what exactly does it mean to be contrite, to truly be sorry for one's own sins? I've said "sorry" about 1,543 times, but I keep going back and tending to the same vices. I want to actually grow!
As I ponder this question, I think back to my human relationships. When I mess up and apologize, what does that look like? And then it strikes me.
When I apologize to a good friend and genuinely want to rectify the situation, I don't just conjure up some vague feelings of guilt, say "I'm sorry," and call it a day. Rather, to show the other person that I want to do better in the future, I'll come up with an action plan; I think of concrete things I can do to prevent me from messing up in the future, and then I (try to) follow through with said plan.
And yet, how often do I come out of the confessional with a game plan to "go and sin no more" as Jesus commands? Instead, I'll simply go, confess my sins, and then just hope that I never yield to temptation again...
Fat chance!
I'm tired of going to confession and saying the same stuff time and time again. I'm tired of being afraid of what the priest may think. I'm tired of simply being relieved when I walk out of the confessional instead of bathing in God's unmerited forgiveness of my sins, only to hope that I don't sin any more (fat chance!) and won't have to go back.
So, recently, as I prepare for confession, I don't just think up a list of my infractions against the Lord; I also come up with a pragmatic approach for preventing these things from happening again. There is always something I can do, no matter how small. Maybe I need to stop hanging out with a certain group of people. Maybe I need to be careful about where I take my phone. Maybe I need to find someone I can trust and talk things out with them. Or maybe I just need to slow down my life a little bit and pray more.
As I put these my action plans into practice after confessing my sins, I'm almost surprised that they often work. Not only am I not committing these things as much (if at all), but I genuinely have less desire to even do them.
But here's the real kicker...
Even if I still struggle, I can rest in the peace of Christ, knowing that I'm doing my best to cooperate with him in a world that is constantly tempting me to abandon him. He sees me in my struggle, he knows me in my effort, and my heart is a beautiful place of repose for him.
And so I return to the confessional, again and again. While my visits were always dominated by duty and fear, my visits are now being motivated by love. It is the love that never fails, the love that endures. It is the love that, no matter what I have done or how I am feeling, is lavished upon me by the Father.
As I encounter his mercy time and time again, I continue to amend my life, desperate to allow his unlimited peace to enter more and more into my heart. Although God's constant forgiveness may never quite make sense to me intellectually, my heart is beginning to understand it quite well. And in the face of all this forgiveness to a poor little creature like me, who can't go a full day without once again questioning God's infinite goodness, I can only utter these simple words:
Thank you Jesus. For everything.